saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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