I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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