I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
