im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Randomize
