You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
