Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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