I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
