I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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