Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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