i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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