I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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