why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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