She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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