i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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