I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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