Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
