u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
