someone threw a dead crab at me
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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