He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
It's never too late to be topless.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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