you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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