you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
