Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
