apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
