i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
