Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
