I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
