Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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