dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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