As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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