Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
