So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
