I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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