I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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