Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
