You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
