I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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