She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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