My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
