My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
