It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
