Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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