he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
A+ Viking dick
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
