I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
