Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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