a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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