WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize