I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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