So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I want her autograph on my taint
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
