Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize