If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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