I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
