My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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