I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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