when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
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