We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
