My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize