I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Hippo gnu deer
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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