broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
