Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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