Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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