my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sundayâ€
Randomize
