He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
