im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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