she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
