If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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