You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
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